Growing Pains

I’ve been itching to share something for weeks – no, months – now. It’s funny, to think that I have to make time to write, when my new job is literally writing for a nonprofit.  But when you spend all day using your creative energy at work, you start to lose that spark that ignites the fire burning in your soul.

I haven’t picked up a pen and shared my soul since I graduated in May. I’ve been busy. I’ve been scared. It feels like so much has changed, and yet so little at the same time. I am now a college graduate, with a full-time job and a 401k. I live on my own for the first time in my life and I’m in a pretty serious relationship with a wonderful guy. If you told

Daily Battles and their Victors

Having an eating disorder is like being at war with yourself every single day. A war where there are no victories, only wounds and war prisoners.

The battle strategy, of course, is to make it through the day eating as little as physically possible without passing out. That’s the closest you can get to a win, in this war. And I used to be really good at that. I would get a buzz from swapping breakfast for sugar-free

ED Phrases Decoded

I say “I’m tired.”

What I don’t say is that I haven’t slept through the night in three months because my body is afraid I won’t wake up if I close my eyes.

I say “I’m just clumsy.”

I don’t say that if you look closely, you can see layers of bruises scattered across my body. You bruise like a peach when you don’t feed your body nutrients.

“I’m cold. Don’t worry, I’m always cold.”

Means my body is going into shock from severe chronic low blood sugar.

Holiday Blues

“You look so healthy!”

This is quite possibly my least favorite phrase in the entirety of the English language. It’s rivaled only by its close friend, “What’s your secret?”

Last month, I went home for the holidays, for the first time since I relapsed. Going home used to mean pumpkin pie and nostalgia-wrapped coffee dates with high school friends.

But lately, it’s become a game of how much I can avoid being guilted about my weight while simultaneously hoping someone notices and compliments my efforts.

The 3 AM Crazies

My weeks tend to blur together — a result of sleepless nights, poor nutrition, and hectic scheduling. I leave my bed at 7:30 every morning and I don’t usually crawl back under the covers until around midnight. Every extra minute I can squeeze some rest out of is sacred, at least in theory. But having an eating disorder makes you do some funny things, ya know? Combine that with crippling anxiety and chronic insomnia and you get a pretty bitter-tasting cocktail.

So last night, when I finally shut my textbooks and crawled into bed, I was ready to let the weight of my eyelids guide me toward the pillow. But as soon I slid between the sheets and closed my eyes, a thought popped into my head. Now, I frequently get nagging thoughts right before bed, but they usually dissipate once they realize I can’t be bothered. But not ED thoughts, oh no. At 1:48 a.m., I could not shake the pinprick in my head that kept reminding me I’m

The Future of My Musings

Forewarning: Though it hasn’t become evident so far, I made this blog with the sole intent of expressing my eating disorder-related struggles and passing thoughts/rant inducing behaviors.

It’s funny how I’ve been putting this moment off, waiting to reveal my ED for fear of judgement. But hello, it’s an anonymous site that garners almost zero attention. I know that people have much better things to do that read a sad, upsetting blog, but my shame

Recapturing Your Self-Worth

Honestly, I had forgotten that I made this blog. Assignments have piled up this semester and I can’t seem to catch my breath — quite literally. But recent events triggered my ever-heightening anxiety and I remembered this quiet corner of the internet I created. So here I am. Welcome back to me.

Tonight’s post is brought to you by an unintended slight from a friend that triggered a depressive mode. Please enjoy:

I’ve had a lot of doubt in my self-worth recently. Now I could say it’s due to stress of proving myself as an A student to new professors and showcasing my best parts for internship applications, but it’s not. Because everyone does those things all the time. No, it’s because we live in a society where it’s become normalized to “advertise” yourself 100% of

Introduction

 

It’s currently 1:39 a.m. as I lie here in bed writing this post (ST if you care for specifics). I’ve been grappling with the idea of starting a blog for months now and the thoughts swirling around inside my head have grown too strong to ignore. The words itched in my mind, a scratch I idly rubbed with minimal relief. It’s mostly for me, though feel free to carpool with me as I unburden my heart anonymously on the internet. Make sure you fasten your seat belt, because it’s going to be a pretty bumpy ride.

I’ve never been very good at intros, whether I’m writing a hook for my thesis paper or meeting a new coworker. I find them dull and repetitive. But at the same time, I want to

Behind the Freezer Glass

I’m standing in the freezer aisle at Walmart, peering skeptically into the condensation-covered glass cases. It’s hard to read the package labels behind the frosty case, so I open the door and grab one. Lean Cuisine Roasted Garlic White Bean Alfredo, the colorful letters read. I scan the box, til my eyes land on the magic numbers. 330 calories. I recoil at the number, and hastily shove it back onto the rack.

Sighing, I rub my now-goosebumped bare shoulders and continue my search.

Goodbye Friendships, Hello Bedroom Ceiling

TRIGGER WARNING: This post contains details specific to eating disorders. These details may be triggering to those suffering from or in recovery from an ED. Please read with caution.

You don’t realize how much your social life revolves around food until you stop eating.

Catching up with an old friend means coffee and bagels (600 calories)

Getting to know a first date means dinner and a movie (1000 calories)

Hanging out with the girls means pizza and wine (Honey, don’t even bother counting)